Lets Talk About Suicide

Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized."  All Mike wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi...

For all of us who were around the punk scene in the 80's, the song above is a classic.  Most of us have felt like that at some point.  "Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out."  Most of us do "figure it out" one way or the other most of the time.  But some people don't figure it out.  They wind up taking their own lives.

The untimely death of BMX legend Dave Mirra brought this subject to the forefront.  We don't know what actually happened, we're left hanging with the vague words, "apparent suicide."  Rumors and theories will flow.  Try not to buy into them.  Most of us are still in shock.  From our outside perspective, he seemed to have it all.  Dave was a highly skilled, highly decorated rider, one of the best ever, he had one or more businesses, a family, was competing in other sports at a high level.

I'm not going to focus this post on Dave.  This post is for everyone out there.  I, personally, have been to the depths of suicidal thoughts.  For whatever reason, I'm still here.  I talked myself out of suicide at age eleven.  This brings me to the first point to understand.  In my experience, most people who get to thinking seriously about suicide don't want to die, rather they just don't see a way to go on living.  There's a huge difference.  People get overwhelmed.  Life throws more at them then they think they can handle.  Sadness turns into depression, which can slip into deeper levels of depression.  There comes a point where they don't see any way to continue living.  The problems just seem insurmountable.  For some people, abuse or trauma in the past can lead to this.  For others it may be a collapsing business, job, or financial obligations.  For some a break up or divorce can lead to these depths.  If you add addiction of any kind into the picture, things get worse in a hurry.  It's important to realize that this feeling of being completely overwhelmed can happen to anyone.

Sometime the person can "figure it all out" like Mike in the song above.  But many times they can't.  Many years ago, I met a young woman while working at Cirque du Soleil.  She was pretty crazy, which might be why we hit it off.  I never became her boyfriend, but instead I we became best friends for a few years.  She had been through horrific abuse as a kid.  When I met her, she was a "cutter," with several scars on her wrists.  On at least two occasions, I wound up on the phone with her while she had a razor blade to her wrist.  Her personal demons took her right to the edge, and I was the one who happened to be on the precipice with her.

Here's what I didn't do.  I didn't talk to her about God or religion.  To the highly religious people reading this, that may sound horrible.  But it's my experience that when a person is so close to suicide, talk about religion usually pushes them towards death, not away from it.  I don't remember what exactly I told my friend.  But for the most part, I told her really dirty jokes until I got a small laugh out of her.  I know that sounds horrible, but that's how I was able to break the spell. If you can break the person's spell of despair, there's a pretty good chance they'll make it through the night.  When things calm down, you can try to talk a little more sense to them.

This brings me to another point.  When someone is near the point of suicide, you don't have to help them find a reason to live the rest of their lives.  You just have to help them find a reason to live for ten more minutes, or half an hour.  Remind them of something they want to do in the near future.  Remind them of someone who pissed them off that they want to get revenge against.  Again, that sounds horrible, and I'm against revenge in general.  But that might give them a reason to keep going for now.  You can't get back at the people who've hurt you if you're dead.  (Forget all the vampire/zombie stuff, OK?  That's just movies and TV).

In the long run, I just loved my friend, as a friend, at a time when she truly believed she was unlovable.  I was there for her, and she for me, during both of our dark times for about three years.  Even though I never slept with her, we shared a weird intimacy that few know.  Ultimately, she didn't need me anymore, and went on to have a successful life.  It really hurt when we parted ways, but it was time for both of us to move on.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that you never know when you may be helpful to a complete stranger who is going through dark times.  I once had a woman get into my taxi and thank me for talking her daughter out of suicide.  I had no idea who she was talking about.  You have a lot of really weird conversations in taxis.  I thought the woman was messing with me at first.  But she was adamant about it.

The point of all of this?  When your friends seem to be going into dark places, be there for them as best you can.  Maybe they just need some time to figure things out, like Mike in the song above.  Maybe they just need a Pepsi.  Maybe they just need to know you're there to help them out.  Or... maybe, they can't get through it, and they need to seek professional help.  The human mind is an amazing, miraculous thing.  But it can also create fears and depression that drives people to do terrible things.  Do what you can to be there for the people in your life, friends, relatives, and strangers.  But don't let them take advantage of you.  This is something I still struggle with.  If things don't get back on track with you just being a friend, seek the help necessary.  But take a real close look at yourself, first.  You can't go around changing everyone into the person you want them to be.  Some times you just have to get away from really toxic people.  And sometimes, you are exactly the person to help them through the darkness.  You may never know for sure.  Do your best to help those you can.  I'll end this post with a quote that was helpful to me at one point.
"The mystic swims in the same ocean the psychotic drowns in." - Unknown
Do your best people.